Pain Is Not An Option
by Black Gargie
Summary: Revised Version Have you ever wondered what would happen if Doumeki actually breaks and lose his temper? Find it in this fic! This is my first fic, so be kind plz! Constructive critism encouraged, no flames
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've been watching the newly broadcasted XXXHolic anime series and have been reading and studying almost all the Doumeki-Watanuki pairings in this site. I have to say that I've had my suspicion from the beginning, and I'm a total D/W shipper! Just trying my luck at writing one. I just hope it's up to standard. Well, here goes!

Note: This is actually a revised version of the original one. I've gone through the reviews and reread the whole thing again and saw that they were right. So I decided to reanimate it to make it more sensible.

Disclaimer: I do not own XXXHolic. I wish!

PAIN IS NOT AN OPTION

Silent breaths filled the darkness of the sports equipment room. Occasional sounds of balls rolling and falling could be heard as a silhouette of a figure slowly put on his glasses and tried to get up, holding the baseball shelf for support. The figure winced at the soreness of every part of his body and shivered, not out of cold, but out of fear and dismay.

As he slowly put on his ragged clothes one by one, Watanuki began to think back how this could ever happen. He felt so dirty, so ashamed and so…whore-like. How could this ever happen to him? Why was it that bad things always revolve around him? First his parents died trying to protect him, then he started seeing spirits and be chased by them every single waking moment of his life, then he had to work his butt off for an insufferable and insatiable witch who promised to get rid of his unwanted gift yet have no intention of showing any effort in fulfilling her side of the bargain, then he gets paired with _the_ guy who never spoke more than one word and had been a pebble in his shoe everyday without fail, then there's Himawari who fails to notice every time he tries to shower her with his undivided love and attention…and now _this_. Could his life get any worse?

It happened a few hours ago after their P.E. lessons, the last period of the day. As usual, since they were the most athletic and best scored players in the team, he and Doumeki had to stay back to put away the baseball equipment back into the sports equipment room. He complained as usual about Doumeki's arrogance and show-off attitude during the game and Doumeki replied him in his usual blatant and less-than-one-syllable way. Himawari had often find it funny and amusing to see him screaming his head off like some lunatic who escaped from a madhouse and Doumeki looking and talking to him like none of anything is his business, and she always complimented at how close their friendship were, which often made him rather annoyed. If only she knew what he really felt about that insufferable know-it-all of a Doumeki.

Once they've carried the equipment into the room, Doumeki inquired about how far it was till Valentine's Day. Watanuki hadn't expected that question coming out of his mouth.

"It's coming in about two weeks' time. Why do you ask?"

"No particular reason." Doumeki replied briefly as he put the box of baseballs into the shelf.

"You're not trying to expect anything from Himawari-chan now, are you?" Watanuki growled, his eyes glaring at him in total suspicion.

"Hm."

"What does that suppose to mean?"

"Need I spell out everything secret that is going through my head for you?" Doumeki asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh no! I know what you're thinking! You're thinking of going to ask Himawari-chan to make chocolates for you on that day, aren't you? You know that Himawari-chan is a nice person and would do anything to make people happy! You're going to prey on her kindness and steal her away from me! I knew it! I knew it!"

Watanuki was going into one of his screaming fits, jumping into conclusions again. Typical.

"What makes you so sure that you're right?"

"Of course I'm right, you baka! I _know _I'm right! You're always showing up at unnecessary moments when I'm having my quality time with Himawari-chan, showing off that so-called genius mind of yours and bragging about how you know things just because you're raised by your good ol' grandfather in that stupid shrine, making me look like a fool in front of her! You always swallow up the food that I make especially for Himawari-chan and you're always circling around us like a vulture in a raw meat buffet, making her fawn all over you instead of me! It's obvious! You want Himawari-chan all to yourself and you just can't wait to watch me drop dead in front of your face and take off with her right under my nose!"

"Urusai. Your shouting in this room is making the effects even worse," Doumeki said as he plugged his ears, obviously used to the ranting and raving but still showing a hint of irritation in his voice.

"I'll shout all I want! I hope you go deaf by the time I'm done with you!" Watanuki screamed even louder, his hands flailing about in his way of emphasizing his point and his spit flying all over the place. "You're insufferable, irritating, selfish, good-for-nothing, show-off, womanizer, stupid and a jerk-off and you know it! I don't even know why Yuuko thought of pairing you with me on missions anyway! What exactly does everyone see in you? I bet that—"

"URUSAI!"

Before he knew it, Doumeki's palm suddenly landed squarely at his cheek, sending his glasses flying and him landing butt first onto the ground and knocking over the trolley that kept the baseball bats and gloves. Watanuki was shocked speechless, his cheek red and throbbing in pain. _Was that Doumeki?_ Watanuki thought, his mind set into denial. _It couldn't be! It couldn't be! Doumeki never had outbursts before. He never laid a finger on anybody. The only thing he ever does was scolding me with his passive voice and giving me sarcastic replies. He never used violence. Not once! What's gotten into him?_

"Nandateyunda, Doumeki? What is your problem?"

"Do – you – ever – shut – up?" Doumeki growled, saying the words one by one as he closed in on Watanuki who was still on the floor trying to get up on his feet.

"Dou…Doumeki…Doushite…?"

"_Do you ever shut up??_"

Watanuki had never seen Doumeki like this. It was a side of him he had never seen before. It wasn't the Doumeki who would look at him with his stone-faced expressionless features and talk to him like he didn't bother to raise his voice for the likes of him. It was the Doumeki filled with emotion and an aura that could kill, with eyes screaming bloody murder and gritted teeth bared out for him to see. He has his fists clenched real tight; so tight his knuckles were going white, and red was flushing over his tanned face. He was letting out short breaths of anger and was ready to beat Watanuki into a pulp. If he wanted to, he really could.

"Doumeki…"

"Urusai! Urusai, urusai, _urusai_!!!"

Without warning, fist after fist landed on the tiny thin Watanuki. His blows were strong, like sledgehammers ramming onto every inch of his body. He tried to scream for help and begged him to stop, but the blows came harder. He tried to fight back but his hits pale in comparison with Doumeki's who had been a strong archer longer than he was a cook. All he could do was hold onto the pain and tears that were threatening to burst out of his blue eyes and cringe into a fetal position, praying that Doumeki's rage would stop.

After what seemed like forever, the blows finally stopped. But the aggression had not end there. No sooner Watanuki relieved himself of the fetal position than Doumeki suddenly reached over and grabbed him by the collar. He picked him up like an abusive father would pick up a defenseless child and rammed him against the baseball shelf. With one hand gripping firmly on his jugular, Doumeki literally tore off Watanuki's uniform: jacket, shirt, pants, underwear, all of them. He hastily threw the torn garments onto the ground and forced Watanuki to face the shelf. Watanuki's eyes widened in horror as he heard the sound of Doumeki's pants being unzipped and a forceful intrusion that might as well tear him in half.

Watanuki let out a strangled yelp as the archer forcefully thrust into him, pumping his manhood with great gusto. Doumeki made a hush almost as loud as a spitting snake and closed his mouth tight, while the other hand held his waist in position. He was being raped. He knew he was. And there was nothing he could do except let out one muffled scream after another as Doumeki continued to thrust, the latter more painful than the former. He could feel himself bleed inside out. He tried to push the archer away but he was no match for him. Doumeki was the strong, macho man and everyone's favourite. He was the teachers' pet and the females' adoration. He was the school's pride and joy of an archer and most probably the apple of his family's eye. Who would pay attention to a freak who sits somewhere in the back of the class constantly hounded by irritable spirits and never stood out much in either academics or sports and was never favoured by anyone else but a witch and her assistants as their personal slave cook? No, he could never fight him. Never.

Finally, Doumeki came to an abrupt stop. Watanuki felt something warm bursting inside him. Doumeki had come. He came and left his filthy seed inside him. Moments later, Watanuki involuntarily came too. Both of them slid to the floor, waiting for the final tremors to subside. This was the first time he came in his 17 years of life. It was supposed to feel good. It was supposed to be ecstatic.

It wasn't.

It hurt badly. Real bad.

Doumeki unceremoniously pulled out and pushed him away. Watanuki dared not look up. He dared not even speak. He just waited until Doumeki cleaned himself with whatever he had, pulled up his pants and stomped out of the room before he began to painfully recollect himself and regain composure.

A/N: Ouch! That's gotta hurt! What would happen next? Carry on reading! Reviews plz!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here comes Chapter Two. Let's see how Watanuki is able to explain his predicament to his boss, or does he even need to?

Disclaimer: I do not own XXXHolic. I wish!

PAIN IS NOT AN OPTION

It was a painful journey from the school to Yuuko's shop. The sun was already beginning to disappear into the horizon as Watanuki hobbled his way to his workplace, holding his much sorer left arm. He didn't bother to clean up the mess in the sports equipment room. Let some other lackey to do the work. He wasn't in the mood or physical shape to clean after his other classmates who had their turn using the baseball equipment. He had a job to do, though he wasn't sure if he was fit to complete it. Even his arms were sore as it is from Doumeki's tantrums.

"You're late, Watanuki."

Watanuki flinched at the unconcerned voice that came from the other side of the sliding door of her smoking room. He wasn't in a mood for arguments.

"Sunimase, Yuuko-san. Something came up in school. I don't want to talk about it."

"Go take a bath."

"What do you want for din…Nani?"

"Go take a bath, Watanuki, then come in here. I assume you know where the bathroom is."

Watanuki didn't expect Yuuko's order of the day. Usually she would put up that cute smiley face or call out delightfully from her smoking room for Watanuki to make insane, impossible sake-complementary cuisines that sometimes he had to refer to a pocket cookbook to figure out what she wanted. This time Yuuko sounded like as if it was a matter of life and death, and he wasn't even on a mission. Yet there was no figuring out the witch. You may as well know her for all your life and she still keeps you guessing. Might as well go in and face the music.

Quietly, he made his way to the bathroom to clean himself. Trust the witch to be into aesthetics when he saw that it was one of those traditional bathtubs made out of wood where you have to heat the water with firewood. It was filled to the brim and steaming perfectly, as if expecting Watanuki to come in and inviting the boy in with its bubbly noise it made. He took off his ragged clothes, stepped inside the bath and scrubbed himself from head to toe, trying to get rid of the smell of sex on him. He couldn't believe he lost his virginity in a way he had hardly expected to be. He had never felt so dirty before in his entire life. It was worse than being hit by a whole bus load of spirits or being dumped with garbage by a garbage truck, if he ever _had _been dumped with stinky trash before. He scrubbed so hard and so desperately that his skin stung at the touch. If he hadn't paid attention, he would've scrubbed himself raw to the point of bleeding.

After being done with his bath, he was surprised to be held on each hand by Maru and Moru (I hope I got their names right) as soon as he got out of the bathroom and was led gently towards Yuuko's smoking room all the way towards the dressing board veil where Yuuko often stood behind to change clothes while he waited hand and foot on the other side with her sake ready. The witch, who was lounging on her oriental couch as usual, watched silently and smoked her pipe without a word. Mokona was waiting behind the board veil, sitting beside a huge black box that had a gold carving of two dragons spitting fire at each other. Maru and Moru sat him down beside Mokona and took off his bathrobes, stripping him bare. Watanuki felt a little awkward at first, but remembering that they were used to helping their mistress dress and watching her naked all the time, he relaxed a little as he let the two girls and the small black ball of fur help him with his wounds.

"If it is any consolation to you, Watanuki, he wasn't being possessed by spirits or anything. His feelings were real."

Watanuki flinched, not because of the medicine applied to his bruises, but by Yuuko's remark. He should've known that the witch would know what happened to him without even having to witness the situation or have a first glance at his condition. Or else why the sudden red carpet treatment? But how could she know what was going through his mind on trying to rationalize Doumeki's sudden actions?

"Hitsuzen, Watanuki. It isn't the best way to describe it, but it's a fact."

"I don't recall asking for your opinion," Watanuki muttered grudgingly.

"Of course not. I would never imply that," Yuuko replied in a half-smiley tone. "I'm just thinking out loud. Anyway, you should've been nicer to Doumeki-kun. He's had it as bad as you did."

"Are you saying that whatever happened to me is _my _fault?!" Watanuki was enraged. How dare she accuse him of something that stone-faced boy did?

"I wouldn't say it's entirely your fault. Besides, like the expert says, 'No matter how provocative or seductive someone may be, if anyone lay a finger on that someone and makes the first move, then the person making the first move would be the one at fault'. But honestly, Watanuki, think about the things he had done for you. Think of the arm he almost sacrificed when you're on the Angel-san case. Think of the 10 long hours him digging and waiting for you under the pouring rain when the ame-warashi asked for your help. Think about the little return he asks from you for such big favours he did you. He never asked for more, and yet you go around yelling and screaming and complaining like you don't appreciate him or anything. Even calm and collected guys like him get hurt, you know."

"Are you saying that I _deserve_ this? Are you saying that the pain I just went through is nothing compared to his?"

"Pain is not an option, Watanuki. It's how you deal with it that's important, and you are not dealing it right."

Watanuki fell silent as Maru and Moru finish up with the last bandages on his torso. He knew Yuuko was right in a way. Doumeki had been enduring most of the beatings when they were sent on missions, and he had not uttered a single word of pain or discontent about it. He had said nothing more than a passive 'Aho' or 'Hm' or 'Urusai' to every single rant and rave he made at him, and never even bothered to fight back whenever he argued with him because he knew fighting would only make matters worse and that action speaks louder than words. Even when he refused to thank him for his efforts during missions, he just brushed it away without forcing the issue. All he wanted was an extra bento for lunch. That's all he asked for. He never required him to do anything that was beyond his cooking skill range and never asked him for payment of silver and gold of some sort, and he never blackmailed him or bargained with him to do his bidding. Just a lousy bento and they're even.

He knew that. He knew all that. But still…

"You can have the day off today and tomorrow, Watanuki. Go home and take a rest. Just help me make a call to any restaurant and order a take-out for us before you leave."

"Hai," Watanuki said as he got up slowly. Maru and Moru gave him a set of new clothes to wear while they disposed of the ragged ones. He had no idea where the girls got clothes that fit his size and all, and he probably didn't want to know it either. It can very well be one of those payments Yuuko collected for a wish granted. He wore it without any protests and picked up his school bag. He dialed the number of one of those well-known sushi restaurants and ordered bento for four before heading towards the door.

"Watanuki."

The boy stopped in his tracks, not facing Yuuko who was standing three feet behind him and bracing himself for anything the witch had to say.

"Think about what I said."

Watanuki's heart ached at her words. He had expected her to say something nice like 'Be careful on your way back' or 'Do you need Mokona to follow you home' or 'You can spend the night here if you want', but then again, a kind word from Yuuko was wishful thinking. He nodded wordlessly and made his way out of the door and into the streets, turning left towards his home.

He barely paid heed to the tears that accompanied him all the way back to his apartment.

A/N: Now, I dunno about you guys, but somewhere deep down inside me, I feel like wanting to punch the lights out of Yuuko for picking the wrong side, don't you think so? Oh well, wishful thinking, and wishes often have their prices. Reviews plz!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Now that we've seen how uncompassionate Yuuko is, let's see how Watanuki is able to survive a day in school with the scary Doumeki around.

Disclaimer: I do not own XXXHolic. I wish!

PAIN IS NOT AN OPTION

"Ne, Watanuki-kun. Why isn't Doumeki-kun with you?"

Watanuki had expected this question to come out of Himawari's mouth. In truth, he had been trying to avoid the archer all day, and he was rather relieved to be able to survive the day till recess without any confrontation. He almost couldn't sleep last night because of the aches and pains on his body despite the fact that Maru and Moru had helped applied medication on his sores. He could only lie on his back to prevent from traumatizing the bruises on his body and wound he sustained due to the virginity break of his butt yesterday evening. He dreaded going to school for fear of meeting Doumeki and bringing back those painful memories, but he had to go. He had been absent for almost a week last week after getting bruised and battered from a hectic case of helping Yuuko do an exorcism on a kid who had been messing around with Ouija games. He couldn't afford to put anymore bad merits on his school attendance.

"Ah, anno, I can't say. I haven't seen him the whole day," Watanuki forced a smile to convince the girl that nothing was out of the ordinary. His face ached just doing that.

"You didn't even make bento for him," Himawari said as she eyed at the single half-eaten bento in Watanuki's hand. It was obvious that she had expected him to have an extra bento on his lap or by his side.

"Ah, hai, I, uh, kinda forgot. Ah ha ha…I guess I had a late night last night, what with Yuuko-san and all…"

"Did something happen between you and Doumeki? Have you had an argument?"

Watanuki was at lost of words. How could he tell her that he had been raped by the guy she had admired more than she did him? How could he explain it to her that it was Doumeki's fault he's in a mess right now? How could he even mention the incident that led to this unwanted desire…

Desire…?

Why would he even desire for Doumeki to take him? How could he even have that kind of thought cross his mind? Doumeki raped him, for goodness sake! He pinned him down, tore off his clothes and raped him of his virginity! He had dirtied him both body and soul! How could he even desire this sort of outrage? Has he gone mad? Had the trauma he had sustained yesterday evening got into his mind and messed up his brains? He couldn't have wanted it, could it?

_Pain is not an option. It's how you deal with it that's important._

"Ah, speak of the devil."

Watanuki's head shot up to see what Himawari was talking about. There, coming closer towards them is the guy that he had been avoiding all day. The guy that he thought he had trusted. The guy he thought would not harm a fly even if he wanted to. The guy whom he thought had no emotions at all whatsoever. The guy who suddenly showed his true colours and scared the pants out of him. The guy who had almost punched the lights out of him and made his harsh intrusion into him. The guy who practically left him for dead and didn't bother to apologize or explain his actions.

Doumeki Shizuka.

"Ohayo, Doumeki-kun. We were wondering where you were the whole day," Himawari greeted cheerfully as the archer made his way to sit on the grass under the tree they were under, sandwiching Watanuki between him and her.

"Aah," Doumeki replied in his usual I-don't-give-a-damn way. His eyes shifted towards Watanuki who was staring intently at his half-eaten bento. The blue-eyed boy didn't seem to want to make any eye contact with him. In fact, tiny beads of cold sweat and a slight hint of shivering could be seen on Watanuki, his eyes showering a great deal of fear at Doumeki's presence.

"Anno, doushite, Watanuki-kun? Daijobu deska?" Himawari asked worriedly as she noticed Watanuki's sudden change of mood.

"B…Betsuni…" Watanuki replied, his voice betraying him.

"You didn't make me bento today."

Watanuki stood up abruptly as he saw Doumeki's hand reach over to take a piece of tamagoyaki from his bento, dropping the lot onto the grass for ants to pick on. He didn't hear Himawari's worried and confused 'Doushite, Watanuki-kun?' question. Everything around him seemed to blur and fade out of existence as he watched in terror at Doumeki looking at him with eyes that could hide his deepest, darkest secrets even from the most powerful psychics and mind-readers. He knew those were not his real eyes. The emotion beneath those eyes was all too vivid, too scary, and too horrifying to imagine. He knew that beneath the stone façade, there laid a beast sitting on a ticking time bomb waiting for the right moment to burst out from its prison and overtake the body, and when it's released, nothing in the world could ever hold it back. He had experienced firsthand on how the beast showed its fury.

Without a word, he took off, leaving Doumeki and Himawari behind. Himawari tried to call after him but he paid no heed. There was nothing in the world that could keep him from running away from the archer and his upcoming fury. Facing a thousand spirits following his tail was much more of a comfort than this.

He had to get away from him.

Fast.

A/N: Something tells me that he hadn't seen the last of the stoic cold archer. Reviews plz!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So what happens next? I'm not gonna be the one bursting the bubble. You'll have to follow through yourself!

Disclaimer: I do not own XXXHolic. I wish!

PAIN IS NOT AN OPTION

Watanuki gulped down the can of cappuccino latte he bought from a vending machine with great gusto and heaved a sigh of relief. He had spent the rest of his remaining school hours leaving early and lounging around in the park till sundown. He had thought of going to Yuuko's shop to do his usual duties but he remembered that he had two days off, which included today, so he might as well make use of this golden opportunity. Screw the attendance. There was no way he was going to stay another minute in school with Doumeki around.

From the corner of his eye, he could see dozens upon dozens of tiny little spirits fluttering about him, wanting to stick to him like glue. He decided to ignore it. Spirits and ghosts have been hovering around him ever since he could remember how to walk and talk anyway, so what difference would these tiny insignificant spirits make anyway? _At least they're tiny, _he thought as he leaned back on the bench he was sitting on.

"Yo."

Watanuki jumped at that familiar voice. The ever stoic, cold Doumeki was standing right beside him, holding his schoolbag in one hand and another bag and a few books in the other. As usual, the spirits disappeared as soon as Doumeki's presence was made known. Watanuki jerked backwards when Doumeki held out the bag and books to him.

"You forgot your stuff."

"Ah…Hai…" Watanuki said nervously as he hastily snatched the bag and books away from him. How dumb he could be, leaving his stuff in school in plain sight for Doumeki to see without even realizing it? He must've been really desperate to escape to allow this clumsiness to happen.

"Kunogi-san helped you wash your bento case. It's in the bag."

"I, uh, I gotta go. Sayonara," Watanuki said, barely even acknowledging what Doumeki said. He quickly went off, walking as fast as his legs could carry him, but somehow he realized, after a few moments of speed-walking, Doumeki was right behind his tail. He wanted to run but he was afraid it would arouse Doumeki's inner beast to pursue him with ferocity, so, swallowing hard and gathering his wits, he spun round and faced his stalker.

"Naniyo? What is it you want? Why are you following me?"

Doumeki did not reply, but continued walking towards where Watanuki stood. The latter noticed his eyes were slowly filled with emotions that reminded him of yesterday's incident. He backed away tentatively until he realized he was pinned to the wall in a secluded area by the archer's pressing aura. Doumeki slowly propped one hand against the wall right beside Watanuki's face and glared intently with his amber eyes at the tiny cook's deep sea-blue.

"Why do you avoid me?"

"Nani?" Watanuki pretended to act dumb, when in truth, he was very well aware of what he was being asked.

"You heard me," Doumeki's tone of voice meant business, giving him the Don't-mess-with-me kind of warning. Watanuki wanted to scream at him to leave him alone and flail his hands about as usual to tell him to get the fuck away from his face, but somehow being up close and personal with his rapist made his guts all watery.

"I…I don't know what you're talking about…"

"Doushite?" Watanuki flinched as Doumeki's fist slammed the wall, barely hitting his ear. "After all I've done for you, why do you hate me so much?"

"Y…You know what you did…" Watanuki's voice quivered as he struggled to give him a straight answer.

"Nani? This?"

Without warning, Watanuki felt Doumeki dangerously close to him, his crotch behind his pants close to his. Watanuki barely even had the chance to retaliate—to take a breath, even—as he felt their manhood rubbing ever so slightly at each other. He bit hard at his lower lip, fighting the urge to let out an involuntary moan as he realized his body was actually sexually aroused by the soft rubbing. He felt Doumeki's hands slowly creeping down to his wrists and holding him there in place as he continued to rub shamelessly against him. Colour began to grow on Watanuki's cheeks and the temperature about it was more than he could bear. His head was getting dizzier as his cock hardened behind his pants and his breath grew shorter and quicker, and though his body strained to fight this adulterated feeling inside him, deep within his heart and mind, he wished this sudden ecstasy would never end.

It was the pain of Doumeki's hand clutching his wrists tightly that slowly brought him back to his senses. He let out a sudden sharp gasp, alerting Doumeki as well. The archer stared at him as if trying to remember something, then slowly his eyes began to show realization of what he was doing and his face crawled back to its original stoic and cold expression. His grip on Watanuki's wrists loosened and his distance between him and Watanuki lengthened as he gathered himself back to his normal self.

"Anno…Watanuki…"

Watanuki didn't let him finish. Instead, he banged his head with his books and shoved him further away with his bag before he took to his heels, running away like the way he used to when he was being chased by the everyday oppressing spirits. He dared not look back to see if Doumeki was chasing after him or not.

Even when the lusty feeling around his manhood dissipated, his heart surprisingly could not.

--:--

Watanuki came back to his senses when he realized when he was under running hot water of his shower. After another shocking experience with Doumeki's uncharacteristic self, fear, shock and unwanted lust drove him all the way home and his mind was in a complete shutdown as he went about with his business mechanically. Without even knowing, he had cleaned his house, made a call to a restaurant to send Yuuko's dinner to her house, cooked and ate dinner, did his homework and finally getting ready to shower before bed. Whether it was due to self-denial or shock due to that evening trauma, his mind had totally blacked out and was oblivious to whatever he was doing until the steam and wetness hit him like a mallet through the head.

As soon as his mind worked its way in figuring out the reality around him, the memories of Doumeki began swimming back into it: Doumeki snapping at him and hitting him like a punching bag, him being forced against the shelf as Doumeki unzipped his pants and rudely intrude him, Doumeki's nonchalant face the next day as he reached for his bento as if nothing had happened, Doumeki following him and threatening him, Doumeki standing so close to him, rubbing himself against him without any shame in the world and awakening the most taboo of feelings of desire he never thought existed within him…

'Again with the desire!' Watanuki thought, horrified with whatever he was thinking. "What am I thinking? I could never want this! Never! It's impossible! That stupid cold statue violated me! I could never want this sort of insanity!"

_Pain is not an option. It's how you deal with it that's important._

Again, Yuuko's uncompassionate words rang into his head. Pain. What does that have to do with whatever he was feeling right now? Yuuko had said that he did not appreciate whatever Doumeki had done for him and all he did repay his kindness with yelling, ranting, raving and endless jumping into conclusion, added with a few flying off the handle and total ignorance, if possible. She made it sound like he deserved whatever pain Doumeki had inflicted on him. She kept saying that he wasn't dealing with the pain right and that he was channeling all the pain into blaming it all on Doumeki when he should be looking into himself to see the reason why he had to endure all this pain.

In the end, she was trying to say that it was Watanuki's fault Doumeki acted the way he did.

As he applied soap onto his body and was moving towards his private area, the feeling of Doumeki rubbing against him came back in folds. His amber eyes that burned with emotions never shown before in public bore into his subconscious mind with the force of a bullet train. Those eyes…those crazy fiery eyes that spoke of nothing but rage, hate and contempt towards him…those eyes that could burn through his skull within minutes as he glared into his blue ones like a predator would to its prey…those eyes that revealed the true feelings behind the façade of cold iciness that was Doumeki the archer…those eyes…

Before he knew it, he had his fingers close towards his opening, teasing it. Though horrified, he couldn't stop himself from continuing, slowly inching them closer and closer until almost a quarter of them were inside him. As he continued fingering himself, ignoring the soreness that lingered slightly after the incident in the sports equipment room, his mind involuntarily wandered to that evening in the secluded wall. Slowly, the phantom feeling of Doumeki's manhood rubbing against his returned, and when he closed his eyes, the feeling returned in tenfold, as if he was really there with him. He could feel him materializing in front of him now: holding him down, pinning him onto the wall, moving his body up and down slowly, the feeling of his manhood rubbing softly and seductively against him; his eyes staring deep into his, his lips coming closer and nibbling at his ear lightly, then sucking tenderly at his neck until finally reaching to his own lips to claim them…

"Ku…Kuso…!"

Watanuki immediately went limp as he realized he had come. The stain of his essence ran down all over his thigh and his fingers were actually all the way in. Gasping for breath, he noticed the reality of the situation—he was actually turned on, turned on by the very actions that made him fear the archer in the first place. The pain of his rude intrusion into him and the pain his heart felt when he was being played for a fool actually aroused him. Watanuki groaned both in fear and exasperation as he buried his face in his knees.

"What the hell is wrong with me…?"

A/N: OK…What have we learnt here aside from the obvious? Not telling! Reviews plz!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Well then, let's just cut the crud and carry on with the next chappie, coz I just can't wait to continue writing!

Disclaimer: I do not own XXXHolic. I wish!

PAIN IS NOT AN OPTION

Watanuki heaved a long sigh as he read the list of ingredients he needed to get for yet another one of Yuuko's impossible sake-complimentary cuisines. After his unexpected 'ordeal' that night in his bathroom, Watanuki found it even harder to live life the way he normally does, well, being chased after restless spirits aside, that is. One look at Doumeki sent shivers down his spine and memories of his unnatural behaviour began swarming in his brain like bees over honey. He avoided him as much as he could at school, running or looking away every time he caught sight of him or notice Doumeki come over to want to say—or do—something to him, and stayed away from any mission given by Yuuko that had to involve Doumeki in it, despite the fact that any refusal of missions would result him into household chores coming in threefold.

He never gave him any chance of approaching him. Not a single chance, for there was no way he wanted history to repeat itself again. One intrusion and one near-miss was enough for him to handle.

He knew this was very cowardly and avoiding people was not the wisest and mature thing to do, but he'd rather be away from the problem than facing it head on. He wasn't much of a sucker for confrontations anyway. He began to consider the option of transferring to a new school altogether and quit working for Yuuko and let his gift of ghost-seeing—his curse was more like it—settle itself.

"Teme! This is ridiculous! I've faced countless of benign and malignant spirits throughout my childhood and now here I am cowering away from a mortal! What's gotten into me?!"

Watanuki didn't need a genius to tell him that he was afraid to face Doumeki. He was terrified of his temper and horrified at the possibility of him pinning him onto the wall or onto the ground in some closet or toilet or something and be shagged senseless again. He was afraid of pissing him off again with one of his careless rant and end up having to endure another series of beatings. He had never felt so afraid of anyone before. The last time he was that afraid of a person instead of a spirit was the big bully in his grade school, yet he managed to keep that kid out of his hair by telling him that he had the spirit of a dead dog he had tortured to death following him around. Doumeki was different. Nothing scared him, nothing surprised him and there sure hell is nothing that can provoke him to do anything.

Until now.

As he continued window shopping and hunting for ingredients, he passed by a bread and confectionary shop and saw dozens upon dozens of heart-shaped chocolate decorated with all kinds of icing imaginable set in display for tons of schoolgirls to admire and squeal at. He noticed the advertisements outside the shop and realized that Valentine's Day had arrived and that it had actually been two weeks since that fateful day when Doumeki asked him about the date of Valentine's Day and the horrible aftermath. He doubt he'd get any chocolates this year; he had never got any ever since he reached puberty and he had been distancing himself from Himawari as well, though it pained him to do so, just to avoid seeing that son of a gun because he knew he'd show up if she was around him and that he—the man with 'a million faces'—be the first to receive chocolates from her. He heaved another long sigh again as he continued to admire the chocolates quietly along with the schoolgirls. _So near, yet so far… Kuso… _he thought grudgingly.

Suddenly, he felt the presence of something familiarly cold. He turned and saw that it was one of those suicide spirits unable to pass on because of their sinful act of taking their own lives. It was looming over a pharmacy shop billboard and staring at him with its empty sockets, looking rather eerie and malicious. It seemed as if it was bent on wanting to take over someone else's body so that it can continue to live on in this world like it had never died. _Definitely not one of those friendly spirits, _Watanuki thought.

Careful not to arouse attention, Watanuki slowly inched his way out of the bread and confectionary shop he was in and left, pretending not to notice the spirit's presence. As soon as he got his butt off the bench, the spirit jumped off the billboard and zoomed in front of him in a split second, its socket eyes glaring intently at his blue ones. The hair behind his neck began to stand on its end as he could smell the foul breath of decay emitted from the spirit's mouth. He tried to back away slowly but the spirit kept coming close to him, its empty sockets never leaving him and its mouth form on its misty face into an eerie grin that spelled trouble.

"_Give…me…life…_"

That was all it took for Watanuki to take to his heels. He ran and ran, trying to get away from the suicide spirit whose sole intention is to live again in his body. He tried swerving here and there and going into any possible junction he could find to lose it, but it didn't show any indication of leaving him alone. He hit numerous people and almost got run over by cars but that didn't seem to slow it down. In fact, it was getting faster and faster by the minute. Watanuki could feel the cold touch of its fingers as it tried to reach its jugular and its decaying breath wrapping around him like a stain that just wouldn't go away.

Without warning, he suddenly bumped into what seemed like a broad chest. He felt arms embracing him and suddenly the spirit dissolved into thin air, letting out a high-pitched shriek as it disappeared. He was relieved at the unexpected help and buried his face onto that broad chest, gasping for breath and trying to regain his composure.

"Oi, daijobu ka?"

Watanuki's eyes widened in horror. He recognized that voice anywhere. He looked up and saw that the owner of the voice was none other than Doumeki Shizuka, the guy he had been trying to avoid almost everyday!

"Was it another spirit?" Doumeki asked stoically. _No, _Watanuki thought. _Anyone but him…_

"Ha…Hanase…" Watanuki whispered tentatively.

"Hmm?" Doumeki sounded surprised. He had expected Watanuki to yell.

"Hanase…Don't touch me…"

Watanuki inched his way out of Doumeki's embrace, pushing him away ever so softly. He still refused to make any eye contact with him. Seeing him didn't exactly made his fear go away anymore than it did when the spirit was gone. He was about to leave when Doumeki suddenly reached over and grabbed him by the wrist and gave him an intent stare. He expected Doumeki to give him his viciously angry look he saw in their previous 'uneventful' conversations, yet this time his eyes were showing hints of…concern? Worry? Apology?

Before he knew it, the archer had led him quietly towards the temple shrine and sat him in the room where they had their Hyaku Monogatari that fateful summer night. Doumeki disappeared and came back with a tray holding two cups of green tea. He offered Watanuki a cup before drinking from his own. They sat there in silence for quite a long time until Watanuki couldn't stand the thickness of it all.

"Anno…Doumeki, why am I here? Why did you bring me here?"

Doumeki looked at Watanuki, the cup never leaving his lips. He took one last sip before setting it down and replying, "Gomenasai."

"Nani?" Watanuki thought he had heard something that would never exist in the archer's vocabulary.

"I wasn't feeling myself that day. I didn't expect it to end like this."

_Like hell you didn't, _Watanuki thought, but he didn't dare to say it out loud.

"It's just that you constantly rant and rave and don't really care what anyone else has to say and always jumping into ridiculous conclusions. I guess I…I just had enough of it."

"You didn't have to rape me," Watanuki braved himself to say it, bracing himself for the worse.

"Like I said, I didn't expect it to end like this. I was going to tell you sooner or later, but you never gave me the chance."

"Tell me? About what?"

"I just got so angry somehow. I didn't know what came into me. My grandfather did say that if I don't break, my bottled-up feelings would catch up with me sooner or later. Guess you trying to break me didn't turned out the way you expected."

"Doumeki, what is it exactly you wanted to tell me about?"

Doumeki let out a silent sigh and dug his pocket, fishing out what seemed like a small box. He handed it to Watanuki and said, "Here. I was going to give it to you today."

Watanuki took the box and eyed at it suspiciously. What was inside this box? A trap? A bomb? A prank gift? He couldn't tell from Doumeki's stoic expression to hint him what was inside the box. Looks like he had to find out for himself whether he liked it or not. He slowly opened the box and braced himself for the blow but it didn't come. Instead, inside the box was actually a bracelet for men that had tiny rubies and a small tinkling bell that hung near the clasp. Watanuki took out the bracelet and admired the bracelet for a while when he realized that on the surface of the bell was an engraving of a Chinese word that translated as 'Love'.

"Here, let me help you put it on," Doumeki said as he came over towards Watanuki. Watanuki almost flinched when he felt Doumeki's skin touch his when the archer helped him put on the bracelet on his left wrist. Why the sudden gesture? Why the sudden change of attitude? Why all this?

Doumeki must've noticed the questions in Watanuki's eyes when he said, "This is a bracelet my grandmother used to wear as a wedding gift from her Chinese mother when she migrated here to marry my grandfather. It was supposed to be some sort of good luck charm that can keep away spirits because the rubies and the bell have been blessed by a Chinese high priest. My grandfather said the spirits cannot stand the sound of the bell. That's what kept them away from harming my grandmother; to them, it sounded like nails on the blackboard."

This was the first time Watanuki had heard Doumeki speak that much during the times they had been together. Watanuki asked tentatively, "Anno…doushite, Doumeki? I don't understand…"

"It was a rather bad way of me trying to confess to you. I wanted to wait for this day to come to give you this and tell you how I feel, but…"

"H…How long have you…?" Watanuki began to understand what it was all about: the question of how long till Valentine's Day, the beating, the raping, everything. Doumeki looked away, a slight red flushing through his tanned skin.

"Since…Since the first time I met you…"

SLAP!!!

A/N: Ouch! Now what was that all about? Not telling! Reviews plz!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I bet you can guess what happens next, but let's just leave it to the words to tell you. Sa, let's go!

Disclaimer: I do not own XXXHolic. I wish!

PAIN IS NOT AN OPTION

This time, Watanuki's palm landed squarely on Doumeki's face. Not only that, he rammed his fists at his chest as hard as he could, tears beginning to stream out of his blue eyes. The bell on his bracelet tinkled every time he hit out at Doumeki. The archer didn't seem to want to fight back though. He just let Watanuki hit him again and again, letting him vent out his anger.

"Doushite? Doushite?! DOUSHITE?!" Watanuki yelled at every hit he made. "Why can't you just say it? Why can't you just tell it straight to my face? Why did you hit me and rape me? Why did you rob me of my virginity? Why? WHY?! You hurt me, did you know that? You hurt me really bad! Itai yo! ITAI YO!!!"

Doumeki, after many poundings later, reached out and hugged Watanuki close to his chest. He stroked his back and hushed him to calm him down, but it didn't stop him from sobbing.

"I hate you…I hate you…I hate you…!"

"Hai, I know. Gomenasai. I never wanted this to happen. I wanted to confess to you properly and brace myself for an acceptance or a rejection, but you were so intent on Kunogi-san and kept accusing me of trying to take someone that I barely have any interest in that I…I just lost it. Gomenasai…"

This was the first time he had ever heard and seen this new side of Doumeki. Not the stoic, uncompassionate, cold archer who didn't give a damn about anything but himself, not the crazy, angry, flying-off-the-handle fiery son of a bitch who hit him black and blue, but the gentle, tender-speaking teenage boy who want nothing more than to make amends and apologize for everything he had done. It was almost too good to be true as Watanuki slowly lifted his head to meet Doumeki's amber eyes. He saw a hint of sincerity and passion in them and he knew that Doumeki's telling the truth. He could see that the archer truly loved him and would probably continue to pursue him even if he _had _properly confessed to him and got Watanuki's rejection as a reply. He was the only one who could see through his screaming and shouting as the insecure little boy he was and would accept him regardless of what he was. He was the only person who would willingly lay down his life before him regardless the danger of the situation and help him with every fiber of his being. He's Doumeki Shizuka the archer, stoic and stone-faced, and that's just the way he was.

"It hurt…What you did to me…it hurt…"

"Gomenasai…"

Watanuki soon felt Doumeki's soft lips on him. These were the lips of a man who would sacrifice his soul for a moment like this. The lips of a man who would love and cherish him forever and throughout many lifetimes. He couldn't lie to himself any longer—he _had _wanted this for so long.

And, oh, how great they tasted.

Doumeki slowly set Watanuki down onto the tatami floor and removed his clothes, his lips never leaving its claim on Watanuki's. Watanuki helped Doumeki remove his clothes and soon, they were both as bare as a baby's bottom. Doumeki's breath slightly hitched when he saw the bandages around Watanuki's body and gave him a horrified Did-I-do-this-to-you look. Watanuki looked away sadly, not wanting to meet Doumeki's hurt eyes. Doumeki slowly lowered himself to kiss the bandages, trying to ease the pain of every part he had landed his fists on and reminding himself of a deed that he would never repeat ever again as long as he lived.

"I'll be gentle."

After that reassuring words and a couple of foreplays later (which include giving each other a blow-job and Doumeki fingering Watanuki to prepare him), Doumeki lifted Watanuki's hips a little higher and guided his own manhood towards the blue-eyed boy's opening. This time, instead of rudely entering him, he inched himself inside bit by bit, hearing Watanuki's ecstatic moan echoing throughout the room. He thrust at a slow and steady pace, plucking at Watanuki's nipples which were the only ones not covered by the bandages. Watanuki let out one moan and groan after another as he felt Doumeki inside him, moving in a rhythm so much better than what he had felt before.

"Do…Doumeki…kimochii…"

Doumeki got slightly fired up by Watanuki's soft words of satisfaction and increased his speed and the depth of his thrust just a little bit. Watanuki reached up and dug his nails onto his shoulder, moaning even louder as he felt Doumeki's length hit something inside him that sent waves of unadulterated joy and adrenaline into his whole body. Was this what they call the sweet spot? He had to feel it again.

"Ne, Doumeki…Harder…Deeper…"

"Are you sure?"

"Hai…Just fuck me…"

"Aishiteru, Kimihiro…"

The archer obliged, thrusting harder and deeper into him, aiming for the sweet spot over and over again. Watanuki couldn't control himself any longer. His moans and groans got louder and louder to the point that he could even wake up the dead. Doumeki lowered himself and claimed his lips, trying to quiet him down as he continued to hit the sweet spot over and over again. Watanuki kissed him back possessively and fisted his hair, letting out more muffled moans between kisses. Doumeki could feel from the tenseness of Watanuki's abdomen muscles that he was going to come soon. He decided to speed it up by stroking teasingly at Watanuki's length. That sent Watanuki to the edge. Within seconds, he came, splattering his semen all over Doumeki's hand and abdomen. A few more deep thrusts and Doumeki came too, letting out a strangled moan, probably suppressed.

Both boys lay flat on the floor, waiting for the final tremors to subside. Doumeki mustered whatever strength he had left and brought Watanuki into his embrace. Watanuki reciprocated, hugging the archer back with shaking arms still recovering from the tremors.

"Did I hurt you?"

_Pain is not an option. It's how you deal with it that's important._

"Ie. It feels much better than that day."

"Gomenasai…"

"Heiki ne. I forgive you, Shizuka, but at one condition."

"What is it?"

"That you will pay for what you have done to me, by loving me as you claim you do."

"Hmm."

"You promise?"

"Ah."

Watanuki Kimihiro knew that this was going to be the type of attitude he had to endure once he had thrown his obsession over Kunogi Himawari out of the window and accepted Doumeki Shizuka into his life, but he didn't mind. Yuuko was right. Pain was not an option. It's how he dealt with the pain that's important.

And it felt good.

A/N: I hope this is to your liking. Some of them might be a little bit OOC, but at least I've tried my best. Honestly, he's gotta break someway somehow. Give constructive criticism if you must, but don't flame me. My heart can't take it (cough cough). It's my first time writing a XXXHolic fanfic anywho. Reviews plz!


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